- Re:Joke of the Day - Wolfeboro Community Forums

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"


The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


I love this part....


"Only when he's been drinking."

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


"You talk?" he asks.


"Yep," the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"


The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."


"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."


"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


"Ten dollars," the guy says.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"


"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. "

Anyone else with a good joke?

There is a rabbi, an evangelist and a priest sitting drinking coffee discussing who was the best. After several minutes they decided that they would go convert a bear, meet back in two weeks to decide who was the best.

Two weeks later they met back together. The priest said that he had gone into the north woods, found the bear, sprinkled him with holy water, blessed him and that the bishop was coming next week to administer his first communion.

The evangelist said that he had gone to the north woods, found a bear, wrestled him to the ground, took him to the river and baptised him and spent hours discussing the spirit.

They looked at the rabbi who was in a full body cast, scratched and cut.
He said, "I guess that circumcision wasn't such a good idea!"

I apologize to anyone who i offended, but the joke came from the teacher's workroom.
funny peace from Missouri

Don't worry I'm pretty sure we're all adults here - that was funny!

A bit risque but . . .

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some
simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."

Condoleeza Rice came in to Bush's office and said "Sir, 2 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq today." George replied, "Holy Jesus this is terrible. How am I ever going to tell the American people about this one?" She ponders about his strange over-reaction for a minute, then leaves. George then turns to his secretary and says, "How much is a brazillion?"

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers.
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads. and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?, asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"You boys been drinkin?"
No sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch."

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out
with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're
next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Happy Valentines Day!

OK, hope you haven't heard it.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard. She remembered her daddy told her if she ever got caught in a blizzard to find a plow truck and follow it. So she found a plow truck and followed it. After an hour, the plow truck driver stopped his truck, went back to her car and asked her what she was doing. She told him that her daddy had told her she would be safe in a blizzard if she followed a plow truck. He said: "OK, lady, follow me if you want, I just finished plowing Walmart, now I'm going over to Sears.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS."

And furthermore;

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has develo ped a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE.

A nice giggle for a cold day!

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a

beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over

themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up

arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless

before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance

from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the

three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who

can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative,

intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver

and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no

imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny

Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and

cheese ," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I

guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you,

little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and

finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the

Lab and says .

" Liver Alone, Cheese Mine."

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

QUOTE:
It's the GENERAL PUBLIC we don't care to have tresspassing thru the yard.

Here's my joke...

Some people call Brummitt Court their "yard". HAHAHAHAHAHA

JonnyTomatos wrote:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:
It's the GENERAL PUBLIC we don't care to have tresspassing thru the yard.

Here's my joke...

Some people call Brummitt Court their "yard". HAHAHAHAHAHA

You are not funny and you are not helping. Get lost. Go have a drink with KC

...only if it were after 5:30pm.

JonnyTomatos wrote:

QUOTE:
...only if it were after 5:30pm.

which time zone . . . . . ?